I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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