So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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