I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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