After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
