so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Just pee around me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
