You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
