dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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