i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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