Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
