There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
