my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
