Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
