the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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