I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize