if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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