How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
