First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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