I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
