The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
