There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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