Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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