Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
