Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
