I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize