this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
