I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
