Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
