I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
