now i know why i became what i already was.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
