A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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