I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
