So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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