I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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