Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
