At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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