fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I need moral support for this bender
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Randomize
