I just pynch a tree in the face
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
