Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
