We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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