i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
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