I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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