a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
