I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
