my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize