bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
did i walk over a car last night?
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
