anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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