Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize