rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
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