i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
