I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
