I accidentally burped into my bong.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
