In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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