i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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