Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Randomize
