Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
