Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
