Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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