Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
