Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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