I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
