apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Randomize
