apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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