I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize