walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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